This explains a lot about me!

I found this test on a website. Kind of creepy how accurate it is!

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test ...
8 - the AsserterThanks for taking the test !
you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger").
"I must be strong" Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me
• Stand up for yourself... and me.
• Be confident, strong, and direct.
• Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
• Give me space to be alone.
• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
• I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a EIGHT
• being independent and self-reliant
• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
• being courageous, straightforward, and honest
• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
• upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a EIGHT
• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
• being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
• never forgetting injuries or injustices
• putting too much pressure on myself
• getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

EIGHTs as Children Often
• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
• are sometimes loners
• seize control so they won't be controlled
• figure out others' weaknesses
• attack verbally or physically when provoked
• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

EIGHTs as Parents
• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
• are sometimes overprotective
• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Never what I want...

I will never understand why men think it's ok to just disappear.... NEVER! Don't get me wrong, there are plenty I wish would disappear... but I'm talking about the ones who talk a game they are never prepared to play.

We all know the type, the ones who live in fantasy land and can't ever handle the reality of a woman being exactly what they say they are... the person who is accurately portrayed via email,IM,text and phone calls. Hell, even the same woman who sends you a current picture.. not one that is 20yrs old!

I wish those men, would just never waste my time.... or anyone's time! Those men, have no place in this earth but, in their mom's basement.... or hiding behind their married lives to a wife who doesn't understand them. They need to keep themselves in check.. The day is coming for them.. You know that day where they are going to meet that woman who really does them in.

Oh, I just hope I'm there to see that day!

An Open Letter

This is something that I have posted on a site I frequent.... If you are curious... let me know!

Now that I am looking at prospective men... I have realized that maybe MY profile just isn't clear enough about what I want.... I am going to use this forum... as a way to state it plainly....

When contacting ME, please send something through and complete. I do not want to have to drag answers out of you... It's beyond boring and time consuming for ME.

If you garner MY attention, be prepared to answer questions truthfully and with honest answers... I DON'T DO BULLSHIT!

I understand that you may tremble at the first touch of ME but, please I am not a monster... nothing to be scared of!

If you say you will do something... DO IT! I don't like being kept waiting or having to constantly find out what is going on...

I DO NOT CHASE ANYONE... PERIOD!!!

If I meet you, and you decide you aren't interested... SAY SO!

I am not like most Woman, Domme, Mistress, Goddess... I will give you a voice... USE IT!

I am looking for a well rounded person... If you aren't one, please don't pretend to be so..

My time is valuable... since I don't have much to waste... DON'T WASTE IT!

I DO NOT LIKE TO BE IGNORED!

Communication, COMmunication... COMMUNICATION!

Remember, that to be with ME, requires... you to be flexible... Look up the meaning if you don't know what it means!

Attention... I like... I expect it... No EXCEPTIONS!

Service... It's required...

If you have any questions about any of these... ASK ME! Really, it's OK to do that!

So, I hope I have made myself clear... Also, I love proper spelling.. Be warned, that I do answer a lot of email via my phone... Which makes it hard to do spell check. If you are doing the same... TELL ME!

Penis Stage

As you can see from the attached photo.... I will be seeing my boys.. NKTOB on this said Penis Stage for the summer 2011 tour.... Now, it is funny enough that it does totally look like a cock.. but to ME the funniest part is... It SCREAMS OF BDSM! Note, the head, tip, whatever of the said stage... It clearly shows some strategically placed needle play. Now, a friend I personally know and talk to, agree with me that one said member.. seems to SCREAM he is into BDSM! And from some of the tweets that happened the day the stage was unveiled, it was apparent that all the member's weren't aware of what it was going to look like. To me, the best part is... Most of the fans will have NO CLUE exactly what it is showing.. As my one friend and I have said... "They really aren't hiding the fact, they are fucking all of us!" LOL

I just hope that I can somehow get in early enough to get a picture of it from high up all put together...

UGH! FML

Well, there are so many things going on that the only real release I get is when I blog about it! So here goes nothing in no particular order... and probably with no rhyme or reason....

NKOTB fan club now to join to get a chance at special stuff... Not gonna happen!

Concert going on sale in like 2 weeks.... I may have a sponsor if the tickets ain't an insane price.... If not, then I hold out and buy off the secondary market...

Spent some time with someone I had been talking to for a while last week... Yep! My heart wasn't in it.

I do have someone else that I should be meeting up with this week.. He is a gem, my pet, someone I want to make things work with... Again, time will tell on this one...

State of the other stuff in my life.. Yep, its shit and well, I'll deal with it anyway I can... just how life goes for me I guess...

Now, I have so many things to be happy and so many things to be sad over... I choose to just let the chips fall where they may. I am not planning for the future anymore... its one day at a time for me from here on out!

And a big shout out to my ex... Way to go with helping out like you promised.... FUCK YOU!

Death of my fangirl crush.....

So, today it was announced that my boys... NKOTB will be touring this summer with The Backstreet Boys (BSB )... I have one word for it... UGH! Now, I do not like most of the crazy soccer mom's who are uber fans of NKOTB like me... I can't stand to have to see the same ones at all the shows I go to but, I have learned to live and deal with it. Now, I am going to be forced to have to deal with a whole new level of CRAZY! Not sure I can or want too... Not sure that I am even up to thinking about next summer already... One thing I do know is... I will plan to see one show.. probably not the preparty or after party... but just the concert.

Maybe it's because I can get my Donnie fix every friday night watching Blue Bloods... Maybe it's because I have other things to look forward to occupying my time... Maybe, I've just out grown all this fan girl crap I've been doing the last 2yrs.. Nah, who am I kidding.. I'll never out grow my crush on Donnie or the pursuit to get as close to him as I can... If ya ever had one of his hugs... or those sweet kisses... You too would be HOOKED!

The Holy Grail

So I finally went and saw Jackass 3D today... Can I say... WHOLLY MOTHER OF GOD!!! It was way better then I could have hoped or dreamed for... It was hot... Hot... HOT! I know its not every ones... cup of tea.. but for me, *sigh* every time I watch it, even on tv... I get wet and HOT! Only downside.. Here I am home.. ALONE and not anyone.. to take this all out on!! FAWK!

I was shocked and happy for all the dick shots and nastiness that there was... Bam pissing on everyone.. and the stuff in 3D.. man, it couldn't have gotten any better! Seriously, I only almost puked.. once... a new one for me! And something is soooo SEXY about how these boys, MEN abuse themselves and then laugh at themselves.. how they set each other up to be humiliated and torchered... over and over again... One of the highlights was them trying to make Bam cry... my heart, skipped a beat..

Now, I just have to fina a man who can appreciate what Jackass really has to offer and understand just how and what it means to ME!

Sooo

Today started out a great day... and somehow just kept getting better.....

Work was steady.. I actually got to shave down an entire dog today on my own... My Boss said I did a great job and joked I was ready to go on to school today! LOL I know that I'm not but, it's nice to see she gets I'm serious about this and also taking it very seriously...

I sent the man I am considering an email about the blog post I did about him... He was extremely pleased that I took time to write about him and that I am already pleased with him... It is such a change to have someone appreciate that I am giving them praise and not ignoring it. We have very open and honest dialog and it's very refreshing.... It gives me hope that even if this doesn't work out, there are QUALITY men out there.. D/s, vanilla or whatever capacity I am looking for.

I found out I may have a bonus day off next week.... Now not that is so great, as in I lose money when I don't work... but, its great to know I have that coming up and wondering what fun things I can plan to do with it.

I also decided since I can't seem to find anyone to go with me to see Jackass 3D at the midnight showing Thursday night, I just may go by myself. Hell, I know there will be a lot of men there... and who knows what could happen!

An Open Letter

Now that I am looking at prospective men... I have realized that maybe MY profile ( I have one on some sites... ask me I'll tell you where to find them) just isn't clear enough about what I want.... I am going to use this forum... as a way to state it plainly....

1.When contacting ME, please send something thorough and complete. I do not want to have to drag answers out of you... It's beyond boring and time consuming for ME.
2.If you garner MY attention, be prepared to answer questions truthfully and with honest answers... I DON'T DO BULLSHIT!
3.I understand that you may tremble at the first touch of ME but, please I am not a monster... nothing to be scared of!
4.If you say you will do something... DO IT! I don't like being kept waiting or having to constantly find out what is going on...
5.I DO NOT CHASE ANYONE... PERIOD!!!
6.If I meet you, and you decide you aren't interested... SAY SO!
7.I am not like most Woman, Domme, Mistress, Goddess... I will give you a voice... USE IT!
8.I am looking for a well rounded person... If you aren't one, please don't pretend to be so..
9.My time is valuable... since I don't have much to waste... DON'T WASTE IT!
10.I DO NOT LIKE TO BE IGNORED!
11.Communication, COMmunication... COMMUNICATION!
12.Remember, that to be with ME, requires... you to be flexible... Look up the meaning if you don't know what it means!
13.Attention... I like... I expect it... No EXCEPTIONS!
14.Service... It's required...
15.If you have any questions about any of these... ASK ME! Really, it's ok to do that!

So, I hope I have made myself clear... Also, I love proper spelling.. Be warned, that I do answer a lot of email via my phone... Which makes it hard to do spell check. If you are doing the same... TELL ME!

Donnie and the Cigar....

So, tonight on Blue Bloods, my man Donnie had a cigar in his mouth in the final scene.... and the cheesey grin of his... and that twinkle in his eyes... It was/is almost to much for me to handle!

I have a fantasy.... that I doubt I could ever get him to do for me... It involves Donnie, a Cigar, backwards hat and him enjoying the best head I have ever given...

Now, I have approached this subject with many a man vanilla or sub to fulfill this for me... as of today.. NONE HAVE! Really? Is it that hard to indulge me with one fantasy I have.. When did it become so taboo for a woman to want to give a man head while he enjoys a nice cigar and has a smile on his face... WTF am I always lingering on this damn fantasy!

True words of Wisdom....

LOVE, COURAGE, TRUTH.. don't be afraid to LOVE yourself, have the COURAGE to live your life your way, and never be afraid to speak the TRUTH.

A friend of mine posted this as their status on FB. I can't even begin to think of just how much this needs to hit home with soooo many people in this world....

2 for the price of ONE!

So, my man Donnie tweeted this earlier today.....

Today... Do not live in fear of your own potential! Embrace it! Be nothing less than YOUR best! Fear of our own inadequacies breeds hate!

As always it got me to thinking... Why do we all beat ourselves up over shit that isn't real? Why are we always our own worst enemy? Why is it always his tweets about fear, get me worked up?!!

Now... on to the other blog....

As I have stated, I still talk to my ex sub. Tonight, we are in the mitts of a text conversation that I can only hope he is really taking to heart. He of anyone I know needs to really hear what he is saying.. what I'm saying... and start living it.

Life is to damn short to keep up a front to please society that doesn't care one way or the other... My only wish for him is to figure it all out and find that true happiness he wants in his life... He deserves it, we all deserve it!

Ahhhh

So as of today, I still need my locks changed... still need my curtains hung... still need dishes washed.... and still need a REAL QUALITY SUB!

WTF! Where are all these men of quality? I live in a big metro area that has a huge scene... but funny thing, there are way to many FAKES! I hate FAKES... HATE THEM! And I'm not talking about just sub men... I'm talking about friends and people in general. When did it become OK to be FAKE! Did I miss the memo that people want or should I say prefer to be lied to and deceived? Who raises a child to think this is how you get ahead in life? How you win friends and influence people? Just... WHO DOES THAT?

Oh, and might I add... with all the crazy hours I'm working... and going to be working very soon.. I NEED A DOG WALKER!

Brutal Honesty

This week, I will be meeting up with my former male sub.... I hope he is prepared for some of my brutal honesty... We have decided to still remain friends, and as any of my close friends can tell you, they always... ALWAYS get the truth from me... whether they like it or not. He probably won't like very much what I have to say... In fact, I'm prepared that we may never speak again after that this meeting.

See, friends I have.... TRUE FRIENDS have certain boundaries that I expect to be respected.... those include.... coming over at a decent hour unless it's an emergency or something earth shattering.... they don't come over late at night to "hang out". That time is reserved for FWB, subs, or someone I am fucking... Yes, I give them a bit lee way because of the nature of the relationship... Friends, they are there for you thru thick and thin, they love you unconditionally, they respect you, they genuinely care about YOU! Now, FWB and the such.... they have a different set of rules... one of which is they are always required to come baring gifts and prepared to do some service for me... even if it is just taking out the garbage or walking my dogs. Funny, I have a man, who is a FWB/sub and the first thing he ever does is offer to walk the dogs for me... and when he is leaving... he walks them again. I have never asked him too... he just does it. Seems, he knows his place and what he is required to do. Ironic isn't it, that someone I see so casually GETS HIS ROLE! Hell, even vanilla men who I see in a casual capacity do service....

Now, as for said ex sub, he never did service... EVER! We discussed it and the one thing he was supposed to do for me, he never has because I couldn't work it into HIS schedule... Oh yeah, that schedule where he has to go be submissive for his best friend and best friends "wife".... you know cutting their grass, taking care of their dogs, pretty much whatever SHE deemed he needed to do in a very vanilla capacity... Nothing is sadder then putting yourself in a place where you have made it so you can NEVER HAVE A LIFE.... See, said ex sub doesn't get that.... He will never find happiness... that TRUE HAPPINESS he thinks he wants... because at his core, I don't think he wants it. He is happy being a martyr and only having someone he can fuck in a very vanilla capacity once or twice a month... someone who is very married who doesn't expect or want anything from him.. because that is easier then... taking a chance, putting yourself out there, maybe having to actually alter your life just a bit to spend time with someone and make some sort of a life. You would think that someone can only spend so much time and energy being the martyr.... hating themselves so much they can't imagine how someone... anyone could like them for who they truly are.... so they play a game and hide it... I've seen people like that pass through my life, its sad really because they always end up alone,bitter and so unhappy in the end

There is only one man I'd wear this for....

The shirt says it all.....

I am not at all submissive by any meaning of the term but, it's funny that in wearing something like this, people would veiw me as such... also it could be seen as a statement in being owned... sadly, that will never be me... Hmmm I wonder if I should get something like this made up for a special man some day....

Surprises everywhere

Tonight I talked on the phone to a man who I met via a mutual friend. We have been talking via text for a few days and tonight we finally had a nice lengthy phone conversation.... It was both good and refreshing... He gets me and that doesn't happen... NEVER HAPPENS! I am both hopeful and excited at if he will be the next chapter in my life....

Rain

Here I sit knowing I have to be at work at 10am in the morning... and all I can think about is the rain outside. Rain, it never held such meaning as it now does. It has become a symbol for me as of late... a symbol I have come to cherish... a symbol I've come to need... a symbol I could one day love....

Rain

As I watch the drops fall gently on the ground...
I think about the cleansing and rebirth of my soul,
of my life,
of the love that I have inside of me that yearns to be shared.

As I watch the drops splash in the puddles...
I dream about the day my soul was set free,
the want and need I have inside of me,
the fulfillment of dreams I've yet to realize.

As I feel the rain touch my skin...
I feel the heat and warmth of my lovers touch,
the wetness that they create in places only they can touch,

We all need to remember this....

Pearls of wisdom from my man Donnie!

Today... Some days it will take all you can muster to make it another moment. Whatever happens... Find a way to make it to the next moment.

I saw this and actually sighed today.... Funny how people seem to miss those moments, the special ones, the ones that get your through the bad times... I'm not talking about big moments... like the birth f a child.... your wedding day... the day you first sad I Love You to your lover...

I'm talking about the ones some people miss... like the sound of someone you care for snoring quietly next to you... how gentle they are when they touch your face... the glint in your subs eyes when you are mid play and you command they look you in the eye... Those are the moments that mean the most to me, those special moments that only two people can share...

Control

My man Donnie tweeted this out to the masses this morning...

Today- if you try to control the things in life that you can't control, you will lose control of the one thing in life you can control- YOU!

As his tweets often do, this brought to mind me thinking....

What exactly is the control one has over themselves?

Now, I know that in a D/s, M/s relationship, that each person is exerting control in their actions or reactions or the fact that they have put themselves in that situation at all. I'm talking about the things you can't control.. like caring about someone.. you know that point where you loose control and get all silly goofy in love with someone. We've all done it.. Hell for some of us it worked out and we have never been happier and are still that way... Maybe as I'm getting older and wiser, I'm realizing that kind of control lose just isn't for me. I don't know that I want to ever be that kind of silly hearted fool for someone to be able to crush at their whim.... to be able to take and have the upper hand...

I prefer the upper hand... I prefer to control my emotions or how I feel about someone... I prefer to control when or if I ever let someone know I really do care for them... I don't loose that kind of control anymore... Sadly, I don't know if I have ever lost that kind of control... I have never been viewed as the silly all in love school girl and, lets be honest here, I don't ever want to be...

Life changes...

So a quick update... No baby, career change, and now going through a divorce! Yep, a lot has been happening in my world.... I've also been a bad blogger and posting somewhere else, I plan to transfer some, not all of the posts from the other site little by little..

What really matters....

Having a text convo with my good friend and it hit me... Something that seems to be lost on so many people in the world.... With all the changes I have been going thru this last 18 months, what it is that really matters in this world...

I was married to a man who thought that what mattered were things... possessions... that was something we could never agree on. I have always known what matters and what doesn't.....

Now, that I am embarking on life again as a single woman, it appalls me that so many people... and men at that, have no clue about what really matters in this world. They play games, create drama and basically act like a bunch of spoiled over privileged children. They think that submission is something you can turn on and off at whim.... they think that any Domme or woman for that matter who is truly worth anything, will just put up with their shit. They think they are the only cock in town.... they think that we should all thank our lucky stars to have them.... Truth be told, they aren't... they have no value in this world or any world to any woman of quality... Because, lets be honest here, what woman... REAL WOMAN... wants some man who is full of shit... who can't stand behind their word... who thinks playing games and being less then a man is worth having... who wants a man who is so broken he has no idea how to even... BE A MAN!

I want a man, submissive or not who understands whats really important in life... One who understand that possessions and stuff is just that... STUFF

I want someone... ANYONE who gets that its the connections, the REAL CONNECTIONS you make with other people that matter most in this world... That someday, a day that none of us will know, we won't be here any longer to share the gift of ourselves with others.... Need it be the gift of being a real true friend, a lover, a confidant... or the gift of submission....